It’s time for another season of really stupid people who have yet to discover that you can image search photos on Google.
Yes, Catfish: The TV Show is back. And so are Nev, Max and Nev’s chest hair. The bad news is, this still isn’t the season where Nev and Max opt for the jacuzzi king suite. Still double beds.
Immediate gayness alert: We get Nev playing with Max’s salt and pepper hair even before we find out the first Catfish case.
This episode is about Cassie, who has yet to meet her fiancé Steve. So I guess she needs Nev and Max to help her meet her fiancé before they get married and all that life stuff.
Steve is a ripped and powerful rapper with crystal blue eyes. They’ve been together for 2.5 years and she’s finally ready to meet her future husband. Or at least see him. Because like most people in 2013, Steven doesn’t have a working webcam.
Gayness Alert #2: Max asks Cassie what it is she loves about Steve, but he’s really asking Nev what he loves about Max. I can see it in his eyes.
Nev and Max take off to Miami to get to the bottom of this Steve mystery. Hey, don’t be so skeptical. Maybe he just doesn’t have a webcam. Hahahaha.
Gayness Alert #3: “I certainly would want to…. make love … to the lady I was talking to and in love with,” Nev said. Really, Nev? I can hear the love-making now. “OH yeah, you’re nailing me, Nev. Cool.”
Nev and Max meet up with Cassie for some random backstory and then they get down to business. So let’s find out what’s up with Steve. But first we get to find out that Cassie is needy, clingy and ready to be tied down to someone she never met.
We also learn that she’s only ever seen six photos of this guy. But hey, at least the phone sex is good, she says.
So they’ve uncovered that Cassie is a moron and Steve is a flabby dude who lives with his mom. PROBABLY. But they’ve still got to prove it. So let the googling begin!
Gayness Alert #4: “I’m ready to start digging into Steve,” Max says.
Oh snap! It’s no longer just Google! This season we’ve got Shazam. Nev and Max decide to hold off on the googling and try to Shazam some of Steve’s tunes that he’s been sending Cassie. And of course the music sounds like some horribly untalented kid using his Garage Band program. So it’s not surprise when Shazam has never heard of that garbage. Because this guy is an amateur! He’s not a rapper!
Next we get red flag #243322. Steve, aka S-Killa, has only 94 Facebook friends. OK, enough of this. Nev and Max decide to just get to the Googling. And right away, they find out that Steve’s photos are really of a model.
Gayness Alert #5: Nev and Max roll up in the nail saloon and Nev gets a pedi.
It’s time for the big reveal to Cassie. Nev and Max fill Cassie in on all the bogus info they found out about Steve. And Cassie is embarrassed and ready for redemption. So Nev and Max move to the next level. It’s time to call Steve.
Ooooh, wait. Not this time. No call. Nev and Max do some more investigating and find out one of this dude’s songs is really by some other dude named Tony. So it sounds like Steve is really that horribly untalented Tony. And I was wrong about it being some flabby guy who lives in his mom’s basement. It’s really a skinny white guy who is Cassie’s friend Gladys’ cousin.
So it’s confrontation time. They head over to talk to Gladys and Tony. And right away it’s all: OH shit! Gladys knows! Gladys is in on it. Not only is she in on it, SHE’S Steve. As in Gladys created Steve. She made him up. But her cousin Tony has been doing the sexting and phone sexing.
Gladys explains that she didn’t create Steve to be malicious, but to make Cassie feel loved and save her from partying too hard. That would be sweet if it wasn’t for the part where Steve ISN’T REAL. It’s time to talk to Tony. And he, too, says he took part in this because he cares about Cassie. Someone make sure Cassie gets new friends as soon as possible.
So what happens next? Well Gladys decides to apologize to Cassie. And she accepts. She thanks Gladys for pulling her up from rock bottom. Awwww a happy ending. But whatever happened to Tony? I guess we’ll have to wait for his first album.
What did you think of the season premiere of Catfish? It was no Mhissy, but it was OK I guess.